News
The news has been so depressing lately. Syria, GOP shenanigans, Occupy…
Maybe this is why I never enjoyed reading the news before. It doesn’t take much before I get sick of hearing about how dysfunctional everything is.
Hm…
The news has been so depressing lately. Syria, GOP shenanigans, Occupy…
Maybe this is why I never enjoyed reading the news before. It doesn’t take much before I get sick of hearing about how dysfunctional everything is.
Hm…
This whole The Loft Sessions CD is blowing my mind. So solid.
There has been so much on my mind lately.
God, give me perspective.
As horrifying an experience as losing Sam has been, I am slowly seeing more and more how good this is for me:
It still isn’t easy to get out of bed in the morning. I continue to struggle daily with regret, missing her and wishing things were different. Small details threaten to send me overboard at a moment’s notice. My emotions are impulsive, I over-analyze everything and I am terribly impatient – none of these qualities have helped me on the way, but I am getting there. Life gets better (even if I didn’t believe it would two months ago).
My greatest struggle for the past few weeks has been forgiving Sam. It is so tempting to lose it – to just say eff it and give up – but I can’t. Some people can hold grudges forever. Not me. My heart will forever be weighted if I don’t let this go. And, believe me, I am trying so hard.
I received a couple of prophetic words tonight. It’s times like these when things fall in focus and (nearly) all is good. While I feel so absolutely inadequate to proceed, God’s grace is abundant. All I need to do is say “yes”.
“It’s going to be organic.”
If you’ve been praying for me, thank you. More please.
Somewhere along the way, I think it was decided that it would be easier if we weren’t together. I seriously question that sentiment.
I would (still) give a lot for another chance. Aside from the fact that I still love her very much, it’d be nice to escape this misery.
To be heading in the right direction.
Sigh…
For the past two months I have been searching for some sort of quantification for what I feel, as if putting some numbers together might help me make sense of everything, or as if my circumstances could be modeled as an engineering problem from one of my textbooks.
But the reality is that life is more than just a few data sets and equations. There is no number system that can capture the amount of pain I continue to be in, how much I miss her or how difficult I find all of this.
It seems odd to me that it took me so long to come to that realization.
She is coming tomorrow morning to pick up the rest of her things. I won’t be here.
I am afraid to go to sleep, because I know that when I wake up I am going to say goodbye to what material remnants I have left of the best two years of my life.
That’s two years of my most cherished memories, packed away into two boxes.
But if you could see me right now, you would see just how much I need this.
I got used to having someone to tell all my stories to.
It comes with the territory, I guess.
To take one step at a time.
