The Little Things

God amazes me in the little things.

Today: drained, and then refilled.

02.27.12

On Mondays (and Wednesdays and Fridays) I have a class from 9-9:50am. After that, I’m done for the day. Other than a few errands here and there, I usually spend most of the day doing work.

To that end, Mondays and Wednesdays are usually the worst days of the week in terms of missing Sam, and today was certainly no exception. Fridays are ok because I usually go on a nice, long ride after lunch.

Today felt a lot worse than normal. More bad memories than good ones.

Calling it quits early today. My mind needs a break from the ten hours of studying that took place today. Or just a break from thinking in general.

Oh, and my ear hurts again. That usually happens when I over exert myself.

It’s Monday, and I’m already ready for Friday.

Blindsided – Bon Iver

Worry

I spend a lot of time worrying about Sam. I realize that it’s not really my place to worry about how she is doing or to even care about what she does, but I still do. I lost the privilege of taking care of her long ago, yet it scares me to think that, God forbid, something bad might happen to her.

The difficult part about sharing friends with her is that I will inadvertently hear about her when I really, really don’t want to. That she got a new position at her job or what she was doing two nights ago, for example. My friends are sensitive to my situation, as friends should be, but they’re not perfect.

[sigh]

Matthew 6:25-34.

Cycling

Life is stressful. Cycling keeps me sane.

I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of money on bikes in the past year, but I find it so incredibly worth it.

I have met some of my best friends through cycling. I have met so many people I never would have talked to if it wasn’t for the mutual love of two-wheeled (sometimes three) chain driving machines. We can spend hours kicking it back with some beers or espresso, mindlessly chatting about bikes and planning rides and trips.

The sport is not always easy. Here and now there is an abundance of 30mph headwinds and snow/rain/sleet/hail. But still, I don’t mind spending an entire day in the saddle. The suffering only makes it more rewarding.

The most peaceful moments of my week are those few blissful miles when the sun is shining and the wind is at my back.

I love cycling.

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Spent all day out and about today. Class, post office, class, exam, Cravings, computer lab.

Not bad.

Remembering

This photograph just showed up on my Tumblr feed:

That’s my apartment. My table. My Solo Cup fan from the ’11 Sweet Corn Festival. The Wii controllers for the console we never played. The bottle of water that didn’t seem to belong to anyone. Some crappy cupcakes next to some better ones. The purple rose I had sent for her (there was a reason I picked a purple one, but I can no longer recall). The two mini pumpkins I ridiculed her for buying. The espresso maker she had been wanting for at least three months. Oh, and eleven pounds of bacon.

That picture was taken on her birthday.

I remember that week being particularly stressful. I remember a fight the night before her birthday that was never resolved (well, I guess it is now). I remember working on a project until early in the morning and not getting enough sleep. I remember asking her if she was going to come over after class because I was afraid she was still mad at me. I remember it raining all day. I remember skipping my lunch to get her cupcakes, and eating a couple bites of French bread before running off to class. I remember she picked me up on the west side of Everitt Lab with her birthday loot from her mom thrown in her back seat. When we got to my place, I told her to let me out of the car first so I could set up her flower and light the candles on the cupcakes. We made baked eggs with garlic, thyme and gruyere for dinner with some of that ridiculous pile of bacon and some crostini I ended up burning. We went to a The Bling Pig Brewery that night. And that’s about all I remember.

Though we were both busy during that week, I took her out to the restaurant she had been wanting to go to for months that following Sunday evening. It was expensive (enough to cover my semester’s worth of groceries) and it was mediocre at best. There was aioli that tasted like bacon. There was a piece of cheese they gave us that tasted like death and old socks, and made me want to throw up. Quite disgusting. At least her Prosecco was comped.

Some time after that, everything started falling apart.

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I let such little things consume my mind. Why? It never ends well.

02.17.12

I’ve always been afraid of one day seeing Sam around campus. I imagined the event would elicit some monstrosity of buried emotions that I have made every attempt to avoid for the past three months.

It turns out I was right.

Who knows if she saw me, but I definitely saw her. Thank God I was on my bike. I just rode away.

I think the difficulty lies in seeing her happy. Not because I don’t want her to be (I really do), but maybe because of how much I miss sharing that with her. Or maybe because I can’t help but be jealous. I mean… good for her, but what about me?

Life has been pretty good to me the past few weeks, but a series of good moments doesn’t change how I feel at the end of the day. And something as insignificant as seeing her for a split second certainly didn’t help.

God has always provided for me. Always. What confuses me is how He can sit there and watch me go through this.

Still waiting to be “ok”.

Tired.

What a long, hectic, and difficult (as always) week.

Yet, somehow, it was good.

Feeling overwhelmed and dry again.

Yet, somehow, wanting more.

I’m ready to get more than five hours of sleep for the first time in a week.

Good night.